How Dare They Judge You!

 One of the best ways to sabotage your relationship goals is to indulge in this behavior.

We all do it. We all do it every day.  We all do it many, many times a day.

We can make it polite by calling it ‘forming an opinion’, but it is really judgment.  At best it is silent and only in our heads, at worst it becomes gossip and is then a self-defeating game.

How do you feel when someone points out your receding hairline or your short legs?  And then you find out that for every person who speaks it aloud to you there are at least 25 others with the same thought who think it silently.  Now these examples are pretty minor (if you don’t have a receding hairline or short legs!) and you can shrug them off, but what if someone(s) continually judges you & nit picks at you? What if they hit a real tender spot such as telling a new mother her baby has ears that stick out and start calling her ‘wing-nut’. What if you worked really hard for a long time at landscaping your home and your neighbors told you how you ‘should’ have done it better.  Now all your limiting beliefs start clamoring for attention.

More than once I have listened to two women I know watching a TV program and they are both so busy judging the way a character looks or behaves it’s a wonder they can follow the plot or hear the dialogue.  And then I listen to them ‘dis’-ing people they both know.

Eavesdrop on any public conversation and at least half the time the talk is about someone who is not there.  Most of us ‘aware’ people know that the judgment is not about the target, it is a reflection of the person making the judgment and comes from their own fears. In this article I want to go in another direction and that is their ‘right’ to judge you. 

Someone has formed a judgment of your character based on how they perceive your behavior.  Their judgment is wrong.  But they are certain they are right. They think the more they tell others about their opinion the more right they will be. They also tell others how they think you should change and do things differently (their way). And gossip is born.

What can you do?

If you have a strong self worth, it will be like smushing a pesky mosquito. You pay it no attention and consider the source with pity for their pain.  Strong self worth usually takes a lot of time to develop so what do you do in the meantime?

Well, let’s look at their so-called ‘right’ to judge and gossip.  No, they do not have the right, but neither can you stop them. So, let’s see what it is they are basing their judgment upon.

Were they born on the exact same day & time as you, in the same place with the same parents, same siblings, same home, same language, same foods and eating patterns, same possessions, same clothing, etc.?

Did they start school the same day, same place, same teachers, same classmates, same subjects, same grades, same first love, same failures and triumphs, etc. etc.?

Were they born and raised in the same period of time, same newscasts, newspapers, magazines, amenities, available knowledge, mechanisms or electronics, music, books, famous or infamous people, medical care, transportation, civil rights, fashions and so on?

Of course not. They are not inside your skin, they are not you.  How could they even begin to know you and why you make the choices you do? They don’t have your personality, did not hear, see, feel, taste or smell the exact same things you did.

How dare they judge you!

So what the heck are they basing their judgment on if not you?  I think you know the answer. They base it on all of the above according to their life which has nothing to do with you. If the criticism is spiteful and mean, they are showing you their pain and at best their low self worth. Rather than being hurt and angry about what they are doing, you will want to feel empathy or at least some understanding. In this way the energy surrounding you sets up a shield that keeps you protected from their toxicity and your energy sends them a modicum of healing.

The most important thing to remember is that you are not the target! You can afford to take the higher road, distance yourself and not waste time or energy on anger or thoughts of joining in on the gossip by trying to tell people how wrong they are and what the truth really is.  All you’re doing is entertaining the troops! Gossipers don’t care about truth, they only want their fix.

Now that you are released from being the target of judgment, what are you going to do next? My suggestion is that you look at your own tendency to judge and be painfully aware every time you do it. Do something physical when you catch yourself such as raise your arm in the air, bite your tongue, flick your hand, hold your breath.  Just make something up.  Make a deal within your family that when you hear a judgment from one of them you raise your arm or some other signal you agree upon. At first it will be a free for all!  Arms are popping up and down around the dinner table so often no one has time to eat! You might even think this is ridiculous and want to stop.  Don’t. The only way to change a behavior is to acknowledge it and do something different.

Imagine a world without judgment? I think of no wars or conflict, a much higher average of healthy self-worth in this world and that affects violence and crime, and the domino effect continues.

Relationship Goal Suggestion:  “I am aware of judging others and no longer do it”

“Don’t judge me unless you know me…and when you know me don’t judge me unless you understand me…and when you understand you won’t have a reason to judge me.” ~David Diggs Dillon

Keep on Goaling!

©Lynn Moore 2010