How Often Do You Find Yourself Saying:
“I Wish I Knew How to Leave My Children A Legacy I Can Be Proud Of”?

What is a legacy? The English dictionary defines it as: “something that is handed down or remains from a previous generation or time”.

The most valuable legacies are not material, they are behavioural.Our children do not learn from our words. They are very intuitive and they instinctively know that the truth of a person is in their behaviour and not their words.

So, if you behave as a people pleaser, guess what the kids learn? They learn to be people pleasers too.

Okay, you say, what’s so wrong with being a People Pleaser? Shouldn’t we want to help make others happy? Shouldn’t we want other people to be pleased? Of course we want that, especially for our loved ones. However, there is a line many of us cross when we convert from merely helping others to sacrificing ourselves to the point of losing who we are.

That kind of people pleasing is a syndrome that arises from a need to please in order to feel that we have some kind of value, a pleading to be loved. Just exchange the ‘s’ in ‘pleasing’ for a ‘d’ and you have an even more accurate name for this behavior. Unfortunately this is a downward spiral and at the bottom we find ourselves being used, abused and receiving little to no respect from others.

In fact, people pleasing has nothing to do with you helping other people for the sake of helping other people! When their help comes from a source such as this it can actually be harmful to them because your intention is actually focused on you and not them. Whether you are conscious of it or not, what you are really doing is for yourself only.  It is like an addiction, in order for you to have any sense of esteem or worth it has to come from someone else because you have none to give to yourself.  You are wanting desperately to fill yourself up.

Truly helping someone has to come from a source of love of all mankind including yourself.  It comes from a source of gratitude for all you have, the good and the not so good, the desire to inspire someone, to uplift someone so that they can make their own changes and improve their life, not to take on their burden as your own as People Pleasers do. In many cases people pleasers actually force their help on others they can become so desperate.

Here are some symptoms:

1. You rarely receive a ‘thank you’ from those to whom you extend yourself
2. You can’t say ‘no’ to those who ask things of you and yet you can’t help also feeling some resentment toward them
3. You feel a need to always agree with the opinions of others and even if you disagreed, you would find it very difficult or impossible to voice it
4. You really don’t have much of an idea of why you are here
5. You have no personal goals or you have set some yet never achieved them
6. You are constantly fearful
7. You find that you are depressed or angry much of the time
8. You are craving validation from others, yet don’t receive it
9. You are enabling the destructive behaviour of a friend or family member and can’t stop yourself
10.  You set aside little or no time for yourself
11. . Because you have no control over your life, you feel a need to control everything around you, but of course, cannot.
12. . You have no boundaries

These are just a few clues to suffering from People Pleasing Syndrome.

If you discover that you relate to 4 or more of these symptoms it indicates that you have People Pleasing Syndrome tendencies to one degree or another. Is this the kind of legacy you want to leave your children?

If not, you can explore through this website and find ways in which you can begin to change this behaviour and:

1. finally receive the respect, self-love and feelings of accomplishment you have always wanted
2. replace feelings of anger and resentment with contentment, confidence setand purpose
3. learn that ‘no’ is a complete sentence and you can say it without apology
4. you no longer feel you need others to complete you
5. you fall in love with yourself
6. you are finally free to learn how to set and accomplish inspired goals!

As a former People Pleaser, I wish this for you, I want this for you.  All you need to do is reach out.

Go to these links for more information:

5 Steps to Banishing People Pleasing Syndrome

6 Part Confidence eCourse

Keep on Goaling!

(c)Lynn Moore 2010

“Mystery is only another name for ignorance; all things are mysteries when they are not understood, but when we understand life, it no longer appears mysterious”

~ Raymond Holliwell 1964

The brilliant author of the above quote wrote a dynamic book in the early 1960’s titled “Working with the Law”.  I have had it in my possession since the early 1980’s when I was introduced to it. 

After devouring the book with highlighter in hand, I knew I had found the solution to so many mysteries. Having chosen spirituality over religion I knew I had found my ‘bible’, so to speak. I now had that faith in an invisible, intangible, omnipotent force some call God, Higher Power, All Knowing, Higher Consciousness, Divine Source, etc. and in my world became “Universal Law”.  In fact, some just exchange the word ‘Law’ for ‘God’ and are quite comfortable with that.

So, as they say, whatever floats your boat.  The fact remains; there are incredible powers available to all of us to ‘have everything you want every time’ (remember that phrase because soon it is going to be popping up all over the place!). What is even more interesting is that these powers are in action whether you know it, or believe it or not.

You’ll want to learn about your powers unless you want to be used by them.  It’s like being conscious or oblivious. You may not believe you can get a sunburn, after all you can’t see the UVB rays, but you will get one if you ignore this law of nature. You cannot see Universal Laws, but if you don’t align yourself with them you will not have what you want.  It’s as plain and simple as that. You can’t have thoughts of poverty, loneliness, failure, and fear and expect to enjoy a life of riches, love, success and mental peace. It just cannot happen.

The great thing is that these powers are all in your control.  All you have to do is take ownership of them, learn about them and use them. See? Simple. You decide what you want, take the helm, navigate the laws while remaining within the guidelines and voila! You’ve got it.

The vast majority of people don’t set goals because, deep down, they don’t believe they have control over their lives. Like attracts like and they become surrounded with other like minded people. The multi-person belief feeds the flames of contagion and before long they all become defeated in life and although they complain, they are actually in a comfort zone.  It isn’t really that comfortable but it’s more comfortable (less scary) than having to step out and take charge of their life. And stepping out requires a shift that would take the power of dynamite. But it has been done.

Now if you were compelled to read this, you are not in the situation just described. You may unknowingly be in sync with some of the Universal Laws quite naturally and having some successes in life, but there is still a searching going on; a restlessness and a feeling that there is something more. You haven’t reached that stage of lasting ebullience, inner peace and insulation against the ills of the world that tend to drag us down.  You want more.  All you have to do is work with the Law. 

Another name for the omnipotent energy is ‘Creator’.  All of humanity has the urge and ability to create, it was given to us. We are meant to create better lives for ourselves first and then to help create better lives for others.  This is what inspired goal setting is all about.  First you get your own life in order by deciding how you want it to be, work with the Law to get it there and then you get the privilege to help others attain their desired life. This is your reward.  There is no feeling equal to the one you receive when you are sincerely thanked by a person whom you have helped to solve a problem, gain a new perspective, reduce their stress, heal, gain new knowledge, etc. But first you have to do it for yourself.

I said it was simple, I didn’t say it was easy.  We put value in expensive things because we think they are unattainable, and in reaching mountain tops because the climb is difficult, we value a doctorate degree because the road has been long and hard.  It’s the same in working with the Law because although the concept is simple, there is a lot of learning to do and experiences to have and effort to expend. When you take this on you become a life long student.

And it is all so worth it!

OK, so the stage has been set. The blog post prior to this one told you about one of the Laws, the Law of Thinking.  There are ten more according to Raymond Holliwell and I will be writing about them here.  Remember that your life does not come at you, it comes from you and the fact that you are in the driver’s seat can be good news or bad news depending on how you look at it. The Laws of the Universe allow us to have anything we desire within the bounds of nature, in fact it’s already here; all you have to do is make the connection. The Laws of the Universe are the rungs in the ladder.

Keep on Goaling!

©Lynn Moore 2010

What do you think?

I mean that literally.

What do you think…..about?

This can actually be a difficult question for some of us.  We might answer with things like, what I read in the paper this morning, what to make for supper tonight, how the weather was too hot, I liked the color of the flowers, etc.  If I told you this wasn’t actually thinking, what would you think? 

I know, this sounds a little obtuse at the moment, but stick with me, it’s profound.

Thoughts are pure energy. Energy can be positive or negative, expansive or contractive, it never dies and it always attracts like energy.

Dr. Ken McFarland said, and my long ago mentor Val Van deWall always repeated, “Two percent of the people think, three percent think they think and 95% would rather die than think.”  Just because your mind is busy doesn’t mean you are thinking. Your mind can be busy as a whirling Dervish and yet, like the Dervish, you can remain stuck in one spot.

If you want to know how you are thinking just look around you at your results.  Are your results in life what you want; how about your relationships, your home and your job etc. How are they looking? They are an expression of your thinking.

You may say you want to start your own business and grow it to be successful in every way, but your thoughts from that point on are in a downward motion instead of the direction you want. What we want should turn into beautiful pictures (our minds think in pictures) and the visions then turn into theory and then real thinking begins.

I love the following sayings: “When you believe it you will see it” and “The more you change the way you look at things, the more what we look at changes.”  We don’t have to think the way we have been taught, we can think from our whole being, not just our intellect. We don’t have to think from just our five senses, we can think from the heart and from the spirit.  We can choose!  So few people do, they just follow along and wonder why they have lives of littleness.

Our thoughts are seeds; once planted they grow.  Are you producing weeds or succulent fruit? Both are the same energy and what we focus on expands.  When making changes in your thinking patterns you don’t have to struggle to get rid of the negative, you simply just build up the positive and gradually it will take over and the negative fades away. No struggle necessary. Just two sides of one coin.  When you are cold you don’t argue with the cold, you turn on the heat and the cold disappears. 

Unorganized, random thinking brings you frustrations and failures, they feast on indecision.  Instead of being scattered, bring order to your mind and then think only thoughts that are traveling in the same direction. Plan your days full of activities that move you consistently toward your goal and wasteful thoughts don’t have a chance.

BE before you DO. Decide each day what you want to be; calm, energetic, focused, diligent, joyful, giving, etc. It is not what is outside of you that determines how you will be, it comes from inside you. You choose.

You have inside you a power so huge it is almost impossible to imagine it; and so few actually use it.  It is the power to think, a power that travels 930,000 times faster than sound and is instantaneous and inexhaustible.  It is a Law of the Universe and is called THE LAW OF THINKING.

When it comes to you reaching inspired goals, you must be aligned with the Law of Thinking.

Keep on Goaling!

©Lynn Moore 2010

Some of you have seen me write or heard me say my philosophy of living life.  It is To Create Value in All things.

Our affluent lifestyles in the Western World tend to produce a lot of waste, just look at how much garbage is hauled to landfills and then sometimes hauled by barge out to sea to be dumped. And then imagine how much more there would be if human ingenuity had not discovered how to recycle and reuse.

I love how some of the ‘old’ ways are returning such as the resurgence in home canning of food and the use of cloth shopping bags.  If I forget to take mine with me to the grocery store and I have to say ‘yes’ when the person on checkout asks me if I need bags, I look and feel guilty even if I do reuse the bags to dispose of used kitty litter!

So, you ask, what has this got to do with your goals?  It has to do with the difference between inspired goals and uninspired goals. For one thing, inspired goals are the right goals for you and you know it in your heart. Inspired goals make your heart sing. These are not ‘should’ goals or ‘I need’ goals or ‘I’ll try’ goals. You can be assured that if your goal brings you joy, wealth, conveniences, luxuries, contentment, peace etc. via a route through touching the hearts and lives of others, it is indeed an inspired goal, not the ‘old’ type of goal wherein we strived to accumulate for ourselves only (ego centered goals).  In this case recycling and reusing tired, old goals is a definite waste.

When you set out to reach inspired goals and you hit a pothole, have to turn back, take a detour or start over, what you are doing is not a waste.  It is not a waste of money, time or effort or anything else. It is an investment and you are creating compounding interest!

So often we look at not going straight to our goal, such as repeating a course, not getting the degree, having a business fail, not passing that driver’s road test first time (I got so nervous I had to do it 3 times!), etc. as a waste of our time, money and effort.  Uh-uh, it’s an investment in your knowledge, the kind of knowledge not taught in any school, collage or university.

Let’s say these potholes had value (they do, you know). Repeating the course taught you things you needed to know that you didn’t get the first time, perhaps not getting that degree is a way the Universe shows you it was not the career you were meant to have, there is a better one that expresses your purpose and therefore will love doing. The failed business teaches you what not to do next time, and learning to drive a vehicle correctly and safe is much more worthy of your time than putting your life and the lives of others at risk. There is always a value in everything if you just look for it. It takes practice and lots of honesty, but the result is a much more joyful you.

It’s much like being offered a choice of a million dollars or a penny which will double in value everyday for a month. Which would you take? Take the penny! At the end of 30 days the million dollars is still worth a millions dollars, but the value of the penny doubling for 30 days comes to over three million! I’m no mathematician, and you can figure it out, but it is at least that. This is the value of investment.

Recycling and reusing goals that don’t make your heart sing is a waste. Invest in Inspired Goals, and nothing you do on your way to achieving them will end up in the waste-of-life-landfill no matter how many potholes you have to fill along the way.

Inspired (in-spirit) goals are your investment in your life. The more potholes, the more interest accumulating (ie: wisdom).  The interest will compound just like the penny and bring you and others you touch such abundance you can’t find words to express it.

Keep on Goaling!

Lynn

©Lynn Moore 2010

 So you’ve been called the member of the family who ‘doesn’t fit in’, the person in your group of friends who ‘stands apart’, or maybe you are so ‘odd’ that you have difficulty finding a group of friends to accept you. At worst you are the ‘black sheep’ and at best you are ‘different’.

Everyone wants to be accepted.  When you are young and you don’t fit in, it’s hurtful. Being accepted or ‘popular’ means you are ‘good’ and being unacceptable, in our formative minds, means you are ‘not good’. 

When it comes to setting goals (goaling) and you have either been told you don’t fit in, are different or are shunned by others, you have such a lack of confidence and self worth that the thought of setting a goal to be, do or have what you want is not something you feel you have a right to do. You are just not good enough to live your dreams.

Well, I’m going to break that mold here and now!

‘Fitting in’ makes you a member of the herd.  You know, that herd of cows that wanders around the pasture munching grass all day? Being accepted by others is being allowed to munch grass. Yawn!  What if you don’t like grass?

It has always been the ones who don’t fit who are the cream that rises to the top. The innovators, the inventors, the ‘idea’ people, the leaders, the creative artists we admire, the entertainers we flock to see. Have you ever seen a herd of Bill Gates’, Donald Trumps, Yoyo Mas, Meryl Streeps, Martin Luther Kings, Oprah Winfreys, Jim Rohns, Tchaikovskys, Mahatma Ghandis, Nelson Mandelas, John Kennedys, Mother Theresas, Celine Dions, etc? 

Granted, being an outsider doesn’t guarantee worldwide fame, but there are many who are heroes in smaller ways. So why would you want to squish yourself into a mold that would keep you very uncomfortable for the rest of our life eating grass you don’t like?

Different is great! Most entrepreneurs were the outsiders while growing up. If you don’t fit in it’s a sure sign that you are meant to be an entrepreneur. Even the school system tries to fit you into molds and many people who become successful entrepreneurs often drop out of school.  How you do in school is not a measure of your intelligence.

What inspires you?  What makes you laugh, feel compassionate, drives you, and compels you?  There are hints in here as to your genius. Your goals are the kinds that are the big picture, the kinds those in the mold cannot even conceive.  You have a desire to be separate from the masses because the masses are too involved in eating grass to raise their heads and see what you see. Their goal is to find a patch of sweet tasting grass. You, on the other hand, have goals that are inspired goals.

It is the labels put on you that keep you down.  If you are finding you don’t fit in anywhere, bravo!  Look inside not outside.  Use the Inspirational Goaling system to define your purpose, passion & values and what your soul connects with. Discover you and what you have to offer this world.  The herd produces milk, you create an ice cream franchise.

This world needs different, this world needs odd and this world needs you.

You don’t belong in a mold unless you are gelatin.

Keep on Goaling!

©Lynn Moore 2010

 One of the best ways to sabotage your relationship goals is to indulge in this behavior.

We all do it. We all do it every day.  We all do it many, many times a day.

We can make it polite by calling it ‘forming an opinion’, but it is really judgment.  At best it is silent and only in our heads, at worst it becomes gossip and is then a self-defeating game.

How do you feel when someone points out your receding hairline or your short legs?  And then you find out that for every person who speaks it aloud to you there are at least 25 others with the same thought who think it silently.  Now these examples are pretty minor (if you don’t have a receding hairline or short legs!) and you can shrug them off, but what if someone(s) continually judges you & nit picks at you? What if they hit a real tender spot such as telling a new mother her baby has ears that stick out and start calling her ‘wing-nut’. What if you worked really hard for a long time at landscaping your home and your neighbors told you how you ‘should’ have done it better.  Now all your limiting beliefs start clamoring for attention.

More than once I have listened to two women I know watching a TV program and they are both so busy judging the way a character looks or behaves it’s a wonder they can follow the plot or hear the dialogue.  And then I listen to them ‘dis’-ing people they both know.

Eavesdrop on any public conversation and at least half the time the talk is about someone who is not there.  Most of us ‘aware’ people know that the judgment is not about the target, it is a reflection of the person making the judgment and comes from their own fears. In this article I want to go in another direction and that is their ‘right’ to judge you. 

Someone has formed a judgment of your character based on how they perceive your behavior.  Their judgment is wrong.  But they are certain they are right. They think the more they tell others about their opinion the more right they will be. They also tell others how they think you should change and do things differently (their way). And gossip is born.

What can you do?

If you have a strong self worth, it will be like smushing a pesky mosquito. You pay it no attention and consider the source with pity for their pain.  Strong self worth usually takes a lot of time to develop so what do you do in the meantime?

Well, let’s look at their so-called ‘right’ to judge and gossip.  No, they do not have the right, but neither can you stop them. So, let’s see what it is they are basing their judgment upon.

Were they born on the exact same day & time as you, in the same place with the same parents, same siblings, same home, same language, same foods and eating patterns, same possessions, same clothing, etc.?

Did they start school the same day, same place, same teachers, same classmates, same subjects, same grades, same first love, same failures and triumphs, etc. etc.?

Were they born and raised in the same period of time, same newscasts, newspapers, magazines, amenities, available knowledge, mechanisms or electronics, music, books, famous or infamous people, medical care, transportation, civil rights, fashions and so on?

Of course not. They are not inside your skin, they are not you.  How could they even begin to know you and why you make the choices you do? They don’t have your personality, did not hear, see, feel, taste or smell the exact same things you did.

How dare they judge you!

So what the heck are they basing their judgment on if not you?  I think you know the answer. They base it on all of the above according to their life which has nothing to do with you. If the criticism is spiteful and mean, they are showing you their pain and at best their low self worth. Rather than being hurt and angry about what they are doing, you will want to feel empathy or at least some understanding. In this way the energy surrounding you sets up a shield that keeps you protected from their toxicity and your energy sends them a modicum of healing.

The most important thing to remember is that you are not the target! You can afford to take the higher road, distance yourself and not waste time or energy on anger or thoughts of joining in on the gossip by trying to tell people how wrong they are and what the truth really is.  All you’re doing is entertaining the troops! Gossipers don’t care about truth, they only want their fix.

Now that you are released from being the target of judgment, what are you going to do next? My suggestion is that you look at your own tendency to judge and be painfully aware every time you do it. Do something physical when you catch yourself such as raise your arm in the air, bite your tongue, flick your hand, hold your breath.  Just make something up.  Make a deal within your family that when you hear a judgment from one of them you raise your arm or some other signal you agree upon. At first it will be a free for all!  Arms are popping up and down around the dinner table so often no one has time to eat! You might even think this is ridiculous and want to stop.  Don’t. The only way to change a behavior is to acknowledge it and do something different.

Imagine a world without judgment? I think of no wars or conflict, a much higher average of healthy self-worth in this world and that affects violence and crime, and the domino effect continues.

Relationship Goal Suggestion:  “I am aware of judging others and no longer do it”

“Don’t judge me unless you know me…and when you know me don’t judge me unless you understand me…and when you understand you won’t have a reason to judge me.” ~David Diggs Dillon

Keep on Goaling!

©Lynn Moore 2010

You know the phrase, “how can you live with yourself”? 

This is most often said by someone who is in their judgment and means to instill guilt upon you.  But that’s not the subject for this article.  What I want to do is remove one word from that sentence, change it from a question to a statement and have you take a peek at:

“How you live with yourself”.  Just one word makes such a difference.

There is no escaping it; you live with yourself from first to final breath.  You are your closest relationship. 

I was recently made aware (during a session with a coach) of the fact that there is a very important part of me that was desperately desiring to slow dance, to internally hum in harmony with rainbows, moon rises, opening rosebuds and trickling streams.  However, the rest of me was doing the can-can, racing up ladders, playing tag with myself and in an unending game of hide and seek.

Whew! Talk about conflicting values. And I even had these values written down and still did not see it! That’s why coaches have a coach. We can be so blind when it comes to seeing in ourselves what is obvious to us in our clients.

Then my coach suggested I needed to ‘integrate’ these parts of myself.  Up to this point our session was dealing with me and my business, however she instinctively knew that my conflict didn’t have much to do with my business and within the time it took her to ask me one short question everything flipped and the true conflict was revealed.

Our minds are heavily weighted on the sub-conscious side with over 80% of it under the conscious level and when something pops up through the fog into the clarity of consciousness that is when miracles can happen for you.

Then you have intimacy: in-to-me-see, and can have a close personal relationship with yourself. 

Now you can integrate: in-to-grace, those parts of yourself that divide you and cause conflict.   Sounds Heavenly, doesn’t it? Intimacy and integration; into me see and into grace.

How do you live with yourself?  How do you treat your best friend – you?  Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually; what might be lurking just below the consciousness radar?

You’re undoubtedly aware of the ways and means to have a healthy body, how to educate your mind, what emotions you feel and how you are spiritually minded on a conscious level. Then there is the subconscious level which is always giving you clues.  Let’s look at some possibilities:

• When you are shopping for food or choosing from a menu, what foods do you instinctively gravitate toward?  Proteins, carbohydrates, fats?  Have you ever asked yourself ‘why’?

• Look at your surroundings.  What state are your living conditions in?  Clean, messy, dusty, neat, cluttered, dark, light?  How does your environment make you feel? Secure, uncomfortable, welcome, lost?

• Look at a map of the world.  Where do you live? What kind of weather does it have? Ever wondered why you live there, I mean really live there, not the answer you would give to other people? 

• You read a book, watch a TV program, see a movie.  Can you identify the emotions it triggered? All the emotions, not just one.  Where did these emotions come from?  Have you ever asked yourself this?

• When someone says ‘spirit’ or ‘God’ or ‘religion’ how do you react?  What are your facial expressions, body language, mental images?  Are you even aware of them? 

So much of our living is done on autopilot.  Our minds are like gerbils racing on their wheel.  It’s either focused on worrying or dreaming in the future or stuck in the past certainly nowhere near the present moment. At times we find the coffee cup full of coffee sitting in the fridge when we intended to put it in the microwave to heat it. We put the clothes in the dryer and didn’t turn it on. We swear we did something when the physical proof we didn’t is right in front of our disbelieving eyes.

So who are you living with? If you really want to know who your ‘best friend’ and constant companion is, not your roles, not your characteristics or personality, all you really have to do is develop a new awareness, one that is in the present moment. Your sub-conscious constantly leaks clues, even in dreams which are usually symbolism, but by simply asking yourself some different kinds of questions, you can reveal astounding stuff.  Just like my coach did with me. Your answers may not ‘pop’ immediately, but they have gone out to the Universe and the Universe always answers, just be aware and listen.

If we want the people in our other relationships to understand us, to know us, respect us, communicate with us, love us, first we have to have all these things with ourselves. Every relationship begins with the one you have with you.  Get to know you, you’re great!

Goal suggestion: “I am getting to know me more and more every day.”

Keep on Goaling!

© Lynn Moore

While visiting Hubby in the hospital one day last week and as I was leaving a woman was walking out the door just in front of me.  She was crying and I could sense she was just holding on long enough so that she didn’t break into sobs before she got outside. 

My heart went out to her as we exited the doorway.  She turned to the right, leaned over a railing, placed her face into her hands and broke down allowing those sobs to surface. I placed my hand gently on her arm and asked her if I could be of any help.  Through her sobs she said, “My mother is dying.”  What I wanted to do was gather her into my arms and just let her cry but we don’t know how people are when it comes to being receptive to touch so I just softly moved my hand a few inches up and down her upper arm.

One of the toughest passages a person travels in this lifetime is losing a parent and having lost both of mine, I related with this woman on a deep heart level. She talked; I listened and nodded while surrounding her with compassion and learned about her.  She was from out of town, considered herself the black sheep of the family, mourned that her mother was only 65 years old, had already had five heart attacks and her body was breaking down.  All that and this woman’s sister was treating her with anger and disrespect even while they were both mourning their mother’s imminent demise.

This has to be one of the saddest things, family squabbles carried to the death bed of a loved one and all because of judgment, misunderstanding, misinformation and the self-defeating game of needing to be ‘right’. Where did love go? Actually it’s still there or the emotions these sisters are experiencing, even though destructive, couldn’t be.

Well, that’s a subject for another column, but the points I want to make here are two things; the length of a relationship is not the most important aspect and, let one of your relationship goals be to feel compassion for any other human being who is in pain. That includes strangers and people close to you. 

This woman and I spent only 5 minutes together. During that time, as we talked, she must have said ‘thank you’ to me at least 3 times. This was a very short relationship, but we connected very deeply and very quickly.  We will both remember it. She had a friend coming to be with her so I waited with her and before I went my way I asked her first name and gave her my card saying, “If you need someone to talk with while you are here in town please feel free to call me.  I am a life coach, specializing in relationship goals and any time you spend talking with me is complementary.” We were both uplifted by that short time together.

Any interaction you have with another person is a ‘relationship’.  They can be short and powerful like this one, long and secure, casual and friendly, short and nasty, long and destructive, almost any combination of words we can put together. And of such great importance, I say once more, if the relationship goals are not being met, other goals are a struggle and pretty much impossible. Because….all that you want to do, be and have will at some point be in the hands of other people.  If it seems that you have heard me say this previously it’s because I have.  I say it often. 

Here are a couple of suggestions for relationship goals:

1. “I feel compassion for a fellow human being who is in pain.” Pain can be expressed as tears, anger, depression, a façade of bravery (“I’m fine”) and so many other ways.
2. “I validate the feelings of others”. Not to talk them out of their feelings. Acknowledgment and understanding rack up miles of Buddha Points!

As Miguel Ruiz puts it so succinctly in his book “The Four Agreements”, ‘Don’t Take Anything Personally’.  People speak out or lash out from their pain center, not at you.

Keep on Goaling!

Did you know that you were born with only two fears?  It’s true.  I’ll tell you what they are a little later, but for now knowing that all your fears except for two, were taught to you by others can be a shocking revelation. If you were to write a list of your fears right now you could study them one at a time and see if you could recall the very first time you felt that fear.  It’s a very revealing and helpful exercise.

Let’s look at fear of success.  Did you, as a child, perhaps want to put up a lemonade stand on the sidewalk in front of your home, but when you asked if you could do it you were met with remarks such as “No one wants to buy lemonade from kids”, or “You won’t make any money that way”, “Or why would you want to do that, every kid does that.”

Or you may have asked for an artist’s easel and oil paints for a birthday gift and received a response such as “Why don’t you start with some paper and a paint box because it won’t be such a waste when you quit using them, you know you don’t stick at anything for very long.”

  I know, I know, you read those words now and you think how devastating they would be for a child, how damaging.  And if you are now a parent your mind is doing a swift back peddle trying to remember if you have ever said such a thing to one of your children. Oh, the guilt you could cook up!  Well, that’s for another column but for now just know that every normal parent says and does things that in hindsight they regret.  And most do better once they know better. The motivation behind their actions, believe it or not, is protection.  They want to protect you from disappointment and hurt and inadvertently they cause it.  And it’s not just parents, its teachers, sports coaches, siblings, friends, anybody.

So, what to do now? How can you overcome your fear of success, or failure, or feeling not good enough, or fear of not doing things right the first time, or not being perfect, ad infinitum.  All of which, can stop you faster than a freight train when it comes to choosing, establishing and attaining your goals.

Look hard at your belief systems.  Which ones are serving you and which ones are not?  It’s time to turf the ones which are not. I’m not kidding, picture yourself picking one up and dropping it off a cliff so high you can’t see the bottom.  And now replace it with a belief that serves you well.  Just as in an instant, the remark made to you as a child undermined your feelings of worth and ability, you can, in an instant, replace that remark with it’s opposite. By doing this you have immediately changed your energy surrounding your belief.

It’s just way too hard to keep up the old belief systems!  You have to skew truths into untruths just to support what you need to believe about yourself in order to believe the belief system that does not serve you and keeps you stuck! Whooooa, way to complicated and way too much wasted energy.

Alright now, screw up your courage and do the following:

• Identify the belief systems that don’t serve you well
• Dump them off the cliff
• Replace them with their opposite energy using your thoughts
• Repeat those new belief system thoughts even if you don’t believe them at first
• Repeat some more, write them down, visualize you doing them. Great! The energy is building.
• Choose a goal, see it as already accomplished (in this way you have just ‘set’ it)
• Ask for help to support yourself

Oh, those two fears we are born with? Fear of falling and loud noises.

In my book “Inspirational Goaling” http://www.inspirationalgoaling.com there is an entire chapter dedicated to belief systems with workbook exercises for you to do to increase your knowledge of belief systems and how they affect your goals.

Here’s a suggestion:

In Change Your Beliefs, Change Your Life, Dr. Nick Hall shows you how to recognize the impact your beliefs have on your life. The important thing is to know where any given belief comes from and understand how and why you internalized it – especially if it’s a belief you want to change. You also need to recognize those beliefs you’ve been suppressing or ignoring – beliefs that have become habits or beliefs that are preventing you from getting the most out of your life.

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Article written by Lynn Moore

 Had it not been for my career with an MLM company that lasted more than twenty years, my husband and I would not be able to enjoy our current free, very comfortable and adventurous lifestyle. We live in an RV resort at home in British Columbia Canada during summer and an RV resort in Yuma, AZ during winter. Our home is luxurious by motor coach standards and all we have to do is turn the key and drive the home down the highway whenever we wish to scratch the traveling itch.

I can’t say that I reached the highest pinnacle in this MLM Company but I can say it was close to that. What made me successful were my consistency in working the business, my tenacity and more than anything else my relationships with clients, colleagues and corporate staff.  Because we are people first and business owners second, my relationships were the cement in my foundation. Nothing can be built on a flimsy foundation.

Thus, I put it to you that without healthy relationships in all segments of your life, your success in an MLM business, which is the epitome of Relationship Marketing, will be a struggle.  I watched many a promising, talented woman crash and burn when a key relationship, either business or personal, went off the rails and fueled the fire of destruction.

MLM businesses tend to really appeal to women, especially if they are independently spirited.  That could also be read as “I don’t want to be tied down to a J.O.B”.  These women usually have entrepreneurial DNA in their genes and don’t take well to being followers. Most of us have a ‘leadership’ tendency, set our own timetable, rules and make our own choices.  This is wonderful, but there is a downside.  There is a tendency to run into more difficulties in relationships.  We have the female traits of empathy and nurturing (right brained) which when combined with a strong sense of independence (left brained) can be akin to mixing babies with colic.

Relationships are complex; they will ride an up and down scale. The closer and more deep the relationship, the higher and lower it can ride on this scale. So how does one ensure that their array of relationships will help and not hinder their MLM success?

First, you must have relationship goals.  This is the basis, the foundation. List the key people in your personal and business life (some may be in both lists).  Decide what it is you want from each relationship. Decide what you want to give to each relationship. Let that person know.

Second, you need to expand your knowledge of human nature. Here is where you become a student, a voracious student. Read the Masters.  You know who they are; Louise Hay, Wayne Dyer, Don Miguel Ruis, Jack Canfield, Bob Proctor to name a few of many.

Third, you must be willing to ask for help, usually before something becomes a crisis. Don’t allow things to fester, become deep rooted.  Go to upline, go to corporate and if that isn’t feasible or appropriate, find a relationship coach. Not to act as negotiator, but to help you with your end of the relationship issues.

Fourth, know your own highest values. It is crucial that you live your life aligned with your values.  Otherwise you are like a dog with a mouth full of peanut butter – your tongue will feel like it’s going to fall out from licking, but things remain stuck. What can you simply not live without? Freedom?  Kindness?  Organization?  Find someone who knows how to guide you in a values exercise.

Fifth, know how to set your boundaries and inform others what they are. This is tougher for women than it is for men.  Women have been traditionally raised to be of help to others, not stand up for themselves. It’s one of the reasons MLM appeals to women.  But if you want to climb the ladder of success and independence, you must set boundaries.  What is it you simply will not tolerate? Or, what are you tolerating right now? That will give you some hints.

Sixth, you have two ears and one mouth for a reason, become a true listener.  It is in desperately short supply.  It seems like no one really listens. Conversation goes back and forth with all sentences beginning with ‘I’. When we are not speaking we are running what we want to say in our heads rather than listening to the other person. When you deeply listen you can hear a person’s soul, you can hear what is not being said.  It’s an art; an art that is truly appreciated and much needed.  Hone it.

If you take all this in, you may find that you are doing pretty well with most of the secrets to MLM relationship success, you may find that you need to sharpen a couple, you may need to update yourself on all.  Whatever it may be just start.

And remember to…

Keep On Goaling!

Lynn Moore is a certified life coach, spent 20 years as a leader in an MLM Company, is the published author of “Inspirational Goaling” and an expert in “Coaching the independent MLM woman to achieve her key relationship goals”